The Conversation About Men Needs to Change
Ned Abenroth at Awaken 2024
“The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth.”
—African Proverb
“To create loving men, we have to love males.”
—bell hooks, black feminist author
So here it is in a nutshell:
Men ain’t thriving and young men ain’t rising–
Our stories are just too damn small.
Men lack the context and tools we’ve had in the past and
The conflation of patriarchy with masculinity ain’t helping!
Meanwhile, there is a lot of idealizing one gender over the other–
Hallelujah, bell hooks comes to the rescue!
Both political parties got it wrong when it comes to men
Now more than ever we have something to say, the world needs to hear.
Men ain’t thriving
Young men especially are deeply hurting. Suicide rates skyrocketed up 40 percent for them since 2010. Just sit with that for a moment. Meanwhile, participation in education is plummeting, with two women for every male student on college campuses today. In high schools, gone are the days of woodworking, welding, and auto mechanics, while blue collar men are facing fewer opportunities at lower real wages. With the advent of robots, AI, and other technology replacing jobs, these challenges are not going away.
and young men ain’t rising
Richard Rohr spoke at Awaken 2024 of the need for young men especially to build their tower in the first half of life. Like Icarus, they must experience some early success, some sense that they belong, before they begin their descent work in the second half of life. But right now, young men are spinning their wheels and growing frustrated. Like all of us, young men are hungry for a sense of significance—to be a part of a greater cause for which they would live or die. The problem is not that too much is being asked of young men, but rather too little.
Our stories are just too damn small
Men can thrive while suffering economically and socially, if the suffering means something, or is for a bigger purpose. However, our stories are mostly “every man for himself”. We’re so focused on the individual story that we have precious few stories big enough to support young men in finding their place in the larger family. Instead of being sent into an adventure that will serve the greater good, men are told to go out and win in the realms of physical prowess, power, money, image, sex, and materialism, all for the purpose of building the self—for the sake of the self. Even as it crumbles under its own shallow folly, this story may be attracting more people to its false promises than any other myth.
Men lack both the context and tools we’ve had in the past
Archimedes taught that, if given a long enough lever and a place to stand, one could move the world. Richard wrote a book on this quote a dozen years ago, unpacking how both a contemplative practice and a tradition and/or community in which to stand are required for all of us to be change agents in the world. He was right back then, and now this metaphor clearly extends to even more aspects of young men’s lives. Their poverty ranges beyond the levers of spirituality to psychological, social, emotional, career, and civic realms. It is no coincidence that this is unfolding when the “places to stand” for young men are also simultaneously far fewer than they were thirty years ago. We are wandering into a vast wilderness, not able to go back to what was, but without clarity as to where we’re headed.
The conflation of patriarchy with masculinity ain’t helping!
Complicating things is that the essential work to topple patriarchy (that system in which power is used to dominate rather than serve and support) has often conflated patriarchy with masculinity, putting men in the crosshairs as much as patriarchy itself. Boys and young men have been hearing for some time now that they are the problem, but patriarchy has harmed us all, and this “all” includes men. Women, of course, know all too well the feeling of being told that their views don’t matter, that they hold less value than men, and far worse. But in seeking to heal the wounds of patriarchy, simply reversing the flow of shame, belittlement, and resentment only maintains and even strengthens the same dysfunction. All this has led to a deep ambivalence about masculinity in some and a self-righteous and unexamined hyper-masculinity in others.
Meanwhile, there is a lot of idealizing one gender over the other.
Of course, we all hold both the masculine and feminine within us, to varying levels, and the older folks get, the less importance gender holds as part of folks’ identities—and the more integrated we all ideally become. But younger men especially are still wrestling with what it means to be a healthy man, not just a human. Amongst the right, we see misogyny is making a comeback in this conversation. But there is also a tendency among progressive men, that idealizes the feminine while feeling conflicted or even guilty about the masculine aspects of themselves, as if the masculine is inherently dirty or inferior. How tragic. I understand, as I’ve spent time in spaces in which I regularly was asked to apologize for being a man and for the actions of other men, and in which I was judged for my male body. Misandry is on the rise as well.
Hallelujah bell hooks comes to the rescue!
This was why, when I read bell hooks' book The Will to Change, something akin to a deep exhalation, the warmth of a forgotten sun, and tears of release all came upon me. It wasn’t just what she said. It was who she was and the feminist community in which she stood that made these words penetrate. In this work, more relevant now than when she penned it in 2004, she puts forward a simple counter cultural approach to the gender wars.
Only a revolution of values in our nation will end male violence, and that revolution will necessarily be based on a love ethic. To create loving men, we must love males. Loving maleness is different from praising and rewarding males for living up to sexist-defined notions of male identity. Caring about men because of what they do for us is not the same as loving males for simply being. When we love maleness, we extend our love whether males are performing or not. Performance is different from simply being. In patriarchal culture males are not allowed simply to be who they are and to glory in their unique identity. Their value is always determined by what they do. In an anti-patriarchal culture males do not have to prove their value and worth. They know from birth that simply being gives them value, the right to be cherished and loved.
Both political parties got it wrong when it comes to men
Until this inheritance of dignity and belovedness is shared by all, we will all continue to suffer. Certainly, in the recent US election, when it comes to masculinity, we saw how far we have to go. The inclusionary anthem of the Harris platform, as noted in other places, specifically included everyone except men. The conclusion drawn by many young men of every ethnicity is that to be in that party, they would have to check their masculinity at the door. Meanwhile, the masculinity presented by the right represents a giant step backward and is even more troubling.
Now more than ever we have something to say, the world needs to hear.
We need an entirely new conversation about masculinity than what either side is offering, one that is rooted in love, dignity, service, and an interdependence and connection to everyone and everything else. It is time to state what we are for, not just what we are against. It seems the real crucible of Illuman’s work is just beginning, as the medicine with which we’ve been entrusted is what the world needs now more than ever.
In Illuman, we affirm a masculine path to healing, which enigmatically feels like both a path to heal masculinity and a flavor of healing for the world that uniquely comes through masculinity. The question I want to offer is what do folks love about men and masculinity? What would it look like and feel like for masculinity to be celebrated by all rather than degraded by some and distorted by far too many? What archetypes or ways of expressing one’s masculinity expand the palette? At its best, what can our masculinity contribute to the healing of our world, even as it needs healing itself?
There are not many communities well suited to speak to this. Collectively, I trust Illuman can and will. Right now, the intersection of Illuman’s work seems more tied to young men than ever before. Despite forty years of men's work, we are in danger of going backward. If we don't answer this call, an entire generation of men may go the way of Andrew Tate, who has just announced that, given the election, he is moving back to the United States, assuming he gets out of jail of course. God have mercy and grant us wisdom, courage, and a wild love that excludes no one.