Sacred Longing: On Discipline and Desire
The poet David Whyte once spoke with his best friend and noted writer John O'Donohue about a gift of money that David was thinking about giving his father. Rather than congratulate David for his generosity, John told David to “go beyond yourself, and double the gift.” David took a deep breath and then agreed, upon which John said: “Now go beyond yourself again, and double it one more time.” Whyte talks of the power of the experience for both of them, and the freedom to which it led. He ended up quadrupling the gift, due to the help of his friend.
O’Donohue’s words point to two parts within us: one part that has the desire to give, but is self-protective, not wanting to risk giving too much, and another part that can “go beyond” this first part and give even more than we imagined. Importantly David needed John to push him to live into a greater version of himself. Coaches, mentors, guides, almost always help us be and do more than we can do on our own.
This difference between what we think we want to do, and what we actually do, is part of the human condition. St Paul said it best when he exclaimed that he does what he doesn’t want to do, and he doesn’t do what he does want to do. “What a wretched man am I!” he moaned. If we’re honest, we’ve all been there. Into this gap, discipline finds its home.
The word discipline is a lightning rod, a word that reads us as much as we read it. When I sit with the word, I must confess an allergic reaction that stems from being raised in a legalistic cult. Back then we had discipline in spades, or at least we thought we did! What we actually had was rules that subjugated desire, rather than enhanced and focused it. We had laws, but no love, gods but no God.
True discipline is not about rules for the sake of rules, nor performance, earning something, or rigorous work, but rather stoking the depth of one's desire, and cultivating the wisdom to tune out all the distractions. Even a “rule of life”—simply a customized list of disciplines—is about helping us fulfill our deepest desires. These disciplines are a way of choosing in advance what we want to be about, so that in the midst of the tyranny of choices we face everyday, we remain on track.
These days, young men face far more distractions than any generation before. Brain science has helped make porn, video games, and social media platforms like TikTok all the more absorbing. We are swamped in ever-increasing options to numb out but have fewer ways to intensify our desires. The problem is not that we want too much, but rather are satisfied with the end of longing itself. Perhaps St. Paul had it easy by comparison!
A recent National Research Group study showed that 43% of men between 13-30 don’t know what it means to be a man today. This is hardly surprising, given that Republican role models are pushing “might is right” masculinity and Democrats seem suspicious of men in general. Add onto this the numbing-out industrial complex, and we are lost.
Over the coming months and into Awaken, we’ll be talking about Igniting the Flame of the Sacred Masculine, a movement and conversation that is needed now more than ever. There is much to dive into here for men of all ages. But for young men in particular, the need begins with listening to their own sacred longings, and then giving in to the disciplines required to fulfill them.
Rainier Marie Rilke, who instructs us that we must “ask for what you really want,” puts it this way:
God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.
These are the words we dimly hear:
You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.
Flare up like a flame
and make big shadows I can move in.
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don’t let yourself lose me.
Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.
Give me your hand.
(Book of Hours, I 59)